Hail to the Bus Driver

I had a strange experience today. I met a friendly, polite bus driver. I kid you not. [Crap, I'm writing about buses again. Ahh well, it has to be shared]

It's just madness. Madness? No, this is not SPARTA. Oh no. Andrew has got me quoting 300 when I've never even seen the Goddamn film. Hmm.

Anyway I also invented a new game, a bus-stop-boredom-buster, if you will. If you have unlimited texts, or are just feeling spectacularly rich, you have to do something I'm going to call stream of consciousness texting. It involves texting an unlucky person constantly, with every random thought that comes into your head. For example

So I don't really know what to say anymore...

But then that's kind of the point I guess...

You just ramble until you find an interesting topic...

Like how 3 ambulances just went screaming past in quick succession...

There are too many ambulances in Winchester...

But then we were just at the bus stop by the hospital...

Any of you twitterers would be excellent at this I'm sure. It should thoroughly annoy whoever is on the receiving end, and fill up their inbox with phenomenal speed. Unless of course they're mad enough to, heaven forbid, like it. I should warn you though, it does involve paying a lot of attention to one person, so they will swiftly find out that yes, you are in fact a complete nutter.

The Art of Inconspicuous Avoidance

Catching the 46 is hardly ever fun.
When you're stuck upstairs with none of your friends at 7:30 in the morning (how optimistic of me to assume it would be on time...), its so far beyond not fun you seriously begin to contemplate squeezing through one of those tiny windows in the hope that the relatively short drop will finish you off.

It's fine up there if you have 'upstairs friends' or if you live in the mystery expanse between southampton and valley park, where you can safely get a double seat to yourself. However, if you unfortunately don't fit into one of these categories you swiftly become a victim of what I am going to call the 'upstairs game' (my God I sound bitter...haha it's not that bad, i just like exaggerating).

In order to win this game you must retain your double seat for the longest time possible, which usually just results in everyone who comes upstairs feeling rejected and alienated in their search for somewhere to balance for those delightful 45 minutes. However, most of the participating upstairs occupants are generally not that good at the vital avoidance tactics the need to be employed to really succeed at this game. So I've picked up a few tips from the pros.

Who are these pros? The Downstairs Dwellers of course! I have been forced into antisocialism myself after suffering this alienation and so have observed the masters at work, because downstairs it's no game, its a matter of life and death.

So upstairs novices, here's a few suggestions:
1) The Unoriginal
Take the aisle seat yourself, while letting your bag inconspicuously occupy the window seat. This shows seat-hunters that they are not wanted, or that you are at least reserving the seat for someone else.

2) The Subtle Avoidance
Staring at an ipod/book/phone/etc means you avoid eye contact and so it is difficult for them to ask if the seat is free (this is not always effective as people such as myself don't bother to ask and will generally just sit next to you anyway).

3) The Obvious Avoidance
Stare at the person as the walk towards you, then pointedly look at a spare seat nearby, as if saying sit there, not here. Fairly rude, but surprisingly effective.

4) The Sleeper
Everyone on the 46 has noticed the kids from Kings, especially the boy that is always asleep. I think he is secretly an avoidance genius. He sprawls diagonally across a doubler, with his bag on the seat, (I'm now convinced he's pretending to be) asleep. This is one of the most effective methods I have seen, since no one wants to wake him up to ask to move his bag. Bloody Genius.

5) The Disturbing Long Term-er
You also get to know the adults on the bus. I noticed and remembered her for her very long green nails (always a good look) until Katie pointed out something that terrified us both. The teddy bear keyring on her bag is no ordinary cuddly toy. It is a BONDAGE TEDDY. I kid you not. It has a whip and everything... Okay, it will take fellow bus companions a while to notice this, but when they do I'm sure you'll have that double seat to yourself most of the way.

So there you go, feel free to try any of these methods.
If you dare.